Personal Records
Monday, 19 May 2008
I amaze myself once again, w a few new personal records: sleep.I went w/o sleep for 33.5 hours! It all began w m sleeping at 4am and waking up the next day at 5pm. When I opened my eyes, the sun had already set and the sky was turning dark. I was wide awake thru then night, right up to the next day. I saw the sky brightening and the increasing buzz of vehicle engines. At 7am, I gave up. I left to get breakfast at Gloria Jeans. By 8.30am, I was in the sch lib doing my macro hw. By 2am, my relatives had all gone to bed, but for some reason, I felt down. Just didn't feel like sleeping. I phoned my mum and after chatting w her for an hr, I felt better. So at 3am, I went to sleep. Slept for 9 hrs that night.Next day, I slept for 15hours! Guess I was still tired from the lack of sleep. By 9pm on sat night, I dozed off and woke up only at 12pm the next day. Hmm.. Would I be able to fall asleep tonight?? I hope so... I certainly don't want to go thru all that haywire sleeping cycle again. Past wk, I would sleep at 7am and wake up at 2pm cuz I had an assignment to hand in. Switched on my air freshener, played soothing music and with just the study lamp on, the tranquility or the night made it so conducive for the mind to generate thoughts.
--Talking to myself--
02:11
what am i doing?
Friday, 2 May 2008
These few days I've been reflecting on how I've not been as focused and diligent in schwork. My macro assignment and test results are dissatisfactory, considering the fact that I've already done all these in JC. For the assignment, I was complacent and just assumed that my macro tutor wanted the same kind of stuff as my micro tutor, which gave me full marks last sem. For the test, although I started late, I think I wouldn't have gotten more marks from more studying. Had to get them wrong to learn. Well, not that sad for the test. But I need to improve how my mind works under time and exam constraint. So weird how the mind functions when u're under pressure. Things that I couldn't see during the test when they suddenly became so clear after leaving the test room... Still, even my friend could see the loss in motivation in me. Well, it's going to be different from today onwards. I'm going to be more focused. Less playing. And with the help of some psychological burdens on my shoulder, my mood doesn't get to light, keeping me in the down mood, which just makes me wanna not play anymore.
Supposed to move in w my friend next sem. We were on a appartment hunt and we actually found one v suitable one. But becuz we've decided to go for an exchange prog which would commence in 2009 Feb sem, moving into a new place and buying all the furniture and just staying there for 6 months made no sense. She offerred me the room next to hers, whose tenant would be vacating end of this sem. But the partition is so disgustingly thin. Even when the person in other room whispers, the one in the other room can hear. And I value my privacy alot. So now I gotta break the news to her that i won't want to shift in w her in her current unit, after getting her hopes up high. If it's other appartments, it wouldn't be a prob cuz the walls wouldn't be so thin. Still, I gotta tell her soon, cuz she'll need time to find a new place or stay on. I hope she doesn't misunderstand me and thought that I deceived her or something.
My friend's grandfather passed away ytd. She has flown back to attend the wake and will be back after a week. She went to apply for deadline extension for the assignment due this coming mon this mornin w our other friend. We're in a click and yet I chose my sleep over accompanying her to get her extension. I went back to sleep after my alarm sounded. Woke up later supposedly to see her off at her place, yet I was tempted by sleep and the downpour outside just gave me that excuse to not be there. How selfish can I be? Damn. Since young, sleep just has a gripping power over me. Why can't I be supportive towards her? She has been so helpful to me since I've been here, especially in schwork. Who do I run to when I'm stuck in my assignments? Her! Just destroyed my day. Now I can label myself as selfish and undeserving of her.
I'm so scared that they'll have a bad impression of me and not want to take our friendship to the next level. And I dislike myself for complainin and yet not have the willpower to correct my blemishes. AND I HATE IT EVEN MORE WHEN I KNOW SOMEONE IMPT TO ME THINKS THAT I ONLY KNOW HOW TO WALLOW IN SELF-HATE AND SELF-PITY.
--Talking to myself--
15:04
