Am i that pathetic and disappointing?
Wednesday 16 April 2008
The wound that I keep closed for so long has since been reopened. I've already closed that chapter by accepting a fact that even I hate to accept. And someone thinks that I'm just giving up on myself. Do u think I really want to give up on myself? For someone heavy w pride, giving up on myself is like taking a knife and killing myself.
U say that there will always be other solutions and no one is born this way. I've tried and tried but everytime in vain. Each time I try and fall, the fall just gets heavier. Each time I push myself again, the string that supports me from falling gets worn out, thinner and thinner, that when it finally breaks, the pain from falling is so great that I nv want to climb the wall again. And u want me to go through all tat again.
I know it'll benefit me if I ever succeed. But will I ever?? U 're so sure that I will. U think that u know sadness and frustration. Ya, of course u do. So u do know that somethings just aren't within your control right. It depends on external factors. It's the same concept as mine. Some things aren't just within my control. Doesn't mean if I try hard, I'll be rewards with fruits of labour. Also, U said E was tough and u managed to overcome it by pushing and pushing and trying. What if I say that E was like every thing for me?? It's difficulty level and effort MULTIPLY by so many times. Nvm, u say that there's always another way to view things to make it easier. There are other ways, BUT THEY'RE LIMITED. If it was that simple and if fate can be totally controlled by one's own hands, the world wouldn't be such a problematic place with wars going on and disputes persisting for decades.
Maybe u're right and if I trough longer, I'll see the light at the end of the tunnel. And I want you to be right and myself to be wrong, cuz the outcome would still benefit me. But I'm still not convinced by ur argument. Knowing that u find me disappointing makes me hate myself more. So I hate u for causing me so much pain. Pain is an understatement. U may find it unfair, then go ahead and be angry w me. But I still hate u.
--Talking to myself--
15:35
