The meaning to life >> The reason to my emptiness
Sunday 23 December 2007
The past few days have been spent ponderin deeply abt the meaning of life. After acceptin that simple reason of Material & Non-material living, I searched my heart for smth meaningful to do. And I immediately found one issue that has been buggin me for years but I just didn't have the perserverance to act on it.I've always believed that everyone shd appreciate n hold on strongly to his/her roots. Roots provide us w a link to our existence. It reminds us of who we realli are, where we realli come from n the transition from there to our current places. As strongly as I believe in this, it is getting further away from my grasp. Although for pple in my generation, roots seem to be a v vague n out-of-reach topic, I still feel fortunate that I'm not born even later as this would send me futher away from history n decrease my chances of sucessfully pursuin this belief. This emptiness has triggered me to search for the cause, which now I've identified n it has caused some pain n overwhelmin emotions -- tears, sense of helplessness n regret. But it's time I wake up n pursue what I shd. I need to hurry, cuz time is not on my side. Merciless time holds every single human being captive with unbreakable shackles of ageing n death.
--Talking to myself--
03:11
The meaning to life >> My insight
Friday 21 December 2007
Feelin so down these past few days. Been reflectin on e way I'm leadin my life. So meaningless. Gd news is, after days of serious pondein, I know what I'm lackin n what I've to do. There's always a balance to everything in this universe. One's life not only requires material satisfaction, it also requires non-material fulfilment. When one pursues both w balance, then, I feel, that his/her life is meaningful.My life's material aspect is not botherin me. Although I'm neither rich nor self-dependent, I still feel that at my age, my meagre salary drawn from my admin job is still reasonable. However, I can't say the same for the non-material aspect. For I feel that it's far below acceptable levels.Non-material fulfilment cannot be satisfied using money. To me, pursuin this would refer to performin acts that r not done for self gains. In helpin others or doing smth purely for the soul, the joy would create it's own sense of fulfilment.
After comprehendin this logic, I now am aware of the reason to the sense of voidness buggin me. It's a v common-sense fact, but becuz I was feelin exceptionally emotional these past few days, this issue ballooned n realli got me thinkin.
--Talking to myself--
04:48
Admin job
My first day at work sucked. I was overwhelmed w boredom n loneliness. My job for that day was data extraction from online website. So I spent the whole 7hrs, clicking 7 buttons over n over again. Worse, it was coupled w the 'outcast' treatment tat my colleagues administered. They just chatted and laughed among themselves, totally ignoring me :( Felt a little hurt. I ended up going for lunch alone. The clocked finally striked 6pm n I couldn't be happier.Second day was much better. My colleague invited me out for lunch. There were some conversations so at least some ice was broken. A 1hr lunch break extended to a 1hr 45min one becuz they went shoppin. We spent 30min in that boutiquette. Wa, can't believe it. I was bored but I still stayed on becuz it didn't felt right to just leave. Anyway, longer break? I don't mind. I teased them a few times later tat day abt their shoppin. It was as if they had been caged up in their office cubicle n deprived of shoppin. After returnin from lunch, the air felt so much less tense. I didn't felt like an outcast anymore. Third day was great. We went for lunch together again. This time w my in-charge. They treated me to lunch. Durin lunch, there were many qns abt my life. For that few min, I felt like I was at the centre of attention. They asked abt my age, my relationship status, my undergrad studies n was particularly interested in my mum's childcare centres. I managed to get to know my in-charge a little better too. Fourth day was so-so. This time, they didn't invite me for lunch w them, but I went our w my in-charge n her colleague. We had quite a gd conversation too. I found out that my in-charge is actually not a Malay, but an Indian!!! She always dresses up in a tudung n malay dress. Workload that day was less boring. Being stationed away from my original seat n into a quiter area, it felt peaceful. My mood tat day was exceptionally lighter too, cuz I was going to have a long break. Sat, Sun, Mon & Tue. Office is closed on X'mas eve n X'mas Day. Yippeee!!! When I return to work, it's going to be telemarketing time. Lotsa pple to call n data to fill up. A lil nervous abt it. I hope I get to sit at an isolated corner so I don't embarrass myself in front of my colleagues.
--Talking to myself--
00:07
PLAY no more, time for WORK
Sunday 16 December 2007
Played Bridge n mahjong w friends the whole night at Crystal's place last night. After our katong laksa dinner, we went to her hse. It was huge!! I like the cosy n spacious feeling that it has. But in terms of level of effort needed to tidy up the hse, u dieeeeeee..
Her mum bought roti prata breakfast for us. V pleasant n hospitable mum she has. After that, we took our bus home. I was dead tired n I snoozed. AND I OVERSLEPT MY STOP!!
Replenished my insufficient sleep till 3pm. Then, went down to Eastpoint Mall to do some work clothes shopping. After dinner, Mum accompanied me to Eastpoint Mall again for the same reason. And she was of tremendous help. She clearly picked out office clothes for me. Being a career woman, she has an eye for office wear.
Tossed n turned for a while that night. Guess I was a little excited n nervous abt my FIRST DAY at WORK.
--Talking to myself--
20:47
I GOT A JOB !!!!
Thursday 13 December 2007
The lady from the job agency called me up this mornin. I GOT THE JOB !!! Bored at home, I shall no longer be. It's an admin job in an american IT co and I'll be workin there till end of JAN. From 9 to 6, pays $6.50 per hr, at Clark Quay. It's quite far away as I live in Simei.
I went for that job interview the prev THU dressed so smartly. Striped long sleeve buttoned blouse, black pants and heels. Looked so professional. I cruised thru the interview :) As I was meetin my AUS friends afterthat got a night of fun at Settlers, I waited at NGEE ANN CITY. I sat near the water fountain at the basement for an hr plus. I just sat that, watching pple walk by. Then I moved to the other tower and sat there for 45min. Same thing, watchin pple. My feet were aching from the heels so I just sat there, and rotted. It was realli an evening of great fun n laughter at Settler's Cafe. The games they provided were really enjoyable and mind-stimulating. Gd thing I brought along an extra pair of slippers, so I walked home w that instead of heels. Haha. Smart. Which also means, unskilled. Cuz i can't stand more than a few hrs in heels. More practice needed...
--Talking to myself--
01:11
Bugger
Wednesday 12 December 2007
Smth has been buggin me for the past few days. Some issue tat I'm facing now. Actually, it's an issue there has resurfaced. And after much thot, the conclusion I've reached is bleak. This conclusion is realli frustratin me. I feel annoyed at myself for reachin that conclusion. A big part of me doesnt want this. There has to be another outcome.
--Talking to myself--
23:24
